[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
Friday, April 9, 2010
What is confidence????
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot-less technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the
aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse. One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies :
aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse. One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies :
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"If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Santa - Banta. Back with fresh ones
Just For Smiles ..!!!
Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said 'Switched Off'!"
Banta : Nahi Pape, it's my HELLO TUNE!
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Daku Mangal Singh Banta Ke Ghar Mein Ghus Ayaa..Daku : Sona kahan hai, Jaldi Bataao..!
Banta : Pura Ghar Khali Hai Malko, Jithe Marzi So Jao!
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Santa : Kaisi Sabzi Banai Hai, Bilkul Gobar Jaisa Swad Hai ! Jasmeet : Hey bhagwan! Na Jane Inhone Kya-Kya Kha Ke Dekha Hua Hai.
Gobar Ka Swad Bhi Pata Hai..!
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Banta : Praji, Jab Main Paida Hua Tha To Military Walon Ne 21 Topein Chalayeen Thi.Santa : Kamaal Hai ! Sab Ka Nishana Kayse Chook Gaya ..?
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Santa meets his friend BuntaSanta : A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B...!
Bunta : Oye, Iska Matlab ?
Santa : Kuch Nahin Yaar, I Mean Long Time No C..!
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Santa : Drinking-n-Driving Dono Nalo Naal Nai Ho Sakde.Banta : Kyoo Ji ?
Santa : Je SpeedBbreaker Aa Gaya Taa Peg Dul Jau.
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Phone Ki Ganti Baji.Santa : Phone Mere Liye Ho To Kehna Mein Ghar Pe Nahin Hoon..
Jasmeet : Wo Ghar Pe Hain.
Santa : Maine Mana Kiya Tha Ke...Jasmeet : Phone Mere Liye Tha!
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Santa : Aapne Nurse Bahut Changi Rakhi Hai, Uska Haath Lagtey Hi Mein Theek Ho Gaya.Doctor: Jaanta Hoon, Thappad Ki Awaaz Mujhe Bhi Sunai Di Thi.
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Santa : Oh Yaar Main Badi Mushkil Mein Hoon...Meri Biwi Mujhse Ek Pappi Ka Ek Rupeya Leti Hai..!
Banta : Oh Yaar Tu Bada Lucky Hai, Auron Se To Woh 5 Rupye Leti Hai.
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Santa : Yaar! Main Apna Purse Ghar Bhool Aaya, Mainu 1000 Rs Chahide Si.Banta : Dost Hi Dost De Kam Aunda Hai, Le 10 Rs, Riksha Kar Te Purse Le Aa.
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Banta : Wo Ladki Deaf Lagti Hai. Main Kuch Kehta Hoon, Woh Kuch Aur Hi Bolti Hai.Santa : Kaise?
Banta : Maine Kaha I Luv U, To Woh Boli 'Maine Kal Hi Naye Sandal kharide hain'
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A crow shits on Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.Banta: Koi Fhayda Nahin, Kauwa Toh Udd Gaya ..!
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Santa : When I get mad at you,you never fight back.How do you control your anger?Jasmeet : I clean the toilet bowl.
Santa : How does that help?
Jasmeet : I use your toothbrush!
Wife - Described in detail
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Thursday, April 1, 2010
Great Indian Mom!
A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom¢s thoughts, Kumar volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Kumar said: "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read,
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' stay with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you
do not' stay with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was staying in
her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now under the pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother.... especially if she is an
Indian MOMMY!!!!!!!!!
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom¢s thoughts, Kumar volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Kumar said: "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read,
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' stay with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you
do not' stay with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was staying in
her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now under the pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother.... especially if she is an
Indian MOMMY!!!!!!!!!
Pricessless words! (ITS AWESOME)
PRICELESS WORDS
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. "Love You!" Totally shocked with the note ,he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy
Grandma in Court
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Asking The Right Question
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
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Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
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For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project don't ask for the holiday;
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